Category: Healthy Moms

How I use Walking Mediation as Selfcare

The very first time I sat down to meditate was during a mediation clinic run by monks. Padded seating dotted the floor, incense was burning, and I could hear the faint sound of peaceful chimes playing in the background. We all chanted “om” in unison before clasping our hands in front of our hearts to namaste. It was the most amazing experience! I really did feel a sense of nothingness – no stress, no anxiety, just nothing. I was also a college student without the stress of paying a mortgage, climbing a career ladder, and raising kids.

When I try to recreate this feeling at home, I can’t get comfortable, and I am easily distracted by my to-do list or the sound of my neighbors mowing the lawn. When I realized meditation can be done anywhere and not just in a quiet corner, I started to use it daily to help manage my stress levels. My go-to favorite way to meditate is while walking. It helps me release pent up energy from worrying, working and gives me some much-needed time to myself.

Studies show that mediation can boost our immune system, and reduce anxiety. Walking meditations have a lot of benefits, especially for those who have a hard time sitting still.

WHY MEDITATION?

Meditation isn’t just for communing with a higher spirit, or specifically a religious activity, it’s a chance to focus inward. It is a mindfulness practice used to calm the mind and lower your stress levels and increase overall wellness. The goal is for a fuller connection between your body and your mind. Most people feel pressured to clear their minds from thoughts, or ideas. The goal is simply to not follow those thoughts, just kind of put them away for now and allow your mind to be distracted by what is around you.

WHAT DO I DO WHILE MEDITATING?

Most people think of meditation as a sit-down activity and whenever I suggest meditation, I always hear, “BUT, I CAN’T SIT STILL!”  Guess what? Neither can I! Just ask anyone who has ever had a conversation with me. I wiggle in my chair, I stand up to sway, I move around a lot. I talk a mile a minute, and my laugh is loud. I have big energy and my mind is continually racing through creative project ideas and to-do lists. As a busy mom, I rarely get 10 minutes to sit down and focus on myself. That’s why a walking meditation has been a huge part of my life, especially as a parent. And because I have meditated long enough, I easily fall into the habit while cleaning, or running errands.

HOW DO I MEDITATE?

While I am walking, I use all my senses to focus my mind away from stressful thoughts. I listen to the sound of my breath going in through my nose and out of my mouth or I listen to the sounds of nature. I look at the sky and the colorful trees. I take deep breaths to smell the air, or sometimes I apply a favorite essential oil before I start my walk. I feel my heel strike the pavement as I walk to the beat of the song on my playlist. All these things bring my focus to the moment and away from my worries.

If I am walking for meditation, I walk alone. Otherwise, I am a going to chat the entire time and probably about what is stressing me out. We do need to vent at times; however, I’ve noticed for myself that when I vent, I am still holding onto the stressful energy or anger about a situation. When I disconnect from it, and stop thinking about it for a little while, I often find a solution much faster.

Experts will tell you to walk at a slower pace for meditation, but I can’t. Nothing I do is slow. So, I walk at whatever pace feels comfortable and focus on what’s around me.

WHERE TO WALK AND MEDITATE?

I walk right in my neighborhood. I wear my ear buds and sunglasses to signal to other’s I’m in my own zone and not up for chatting. I strive for a minimum of 10 minutes, or at least one lap around the block. Sometimes, I need more time and I will drive to a local walking trail where it is safe to walk alone. Perhaps there is an area you feel the safest, or comfortable walking? And I always let someone know where I am going to be before I leave.

WHEN SHOULD I MEDITATE?

I try to make this a daily practice, first thing in the morning. It helps me get the day started with more positive energy and a balanced mood. But there are times my day doesn’t allow for that, and I will walk in the evening. I take more time on the weekends when my schedule is less packed. Sometimes I’ll go weeks without meditating and I’ll go when I have built up an uncomfortable amount of stress. When I worked outside of the house, I often walked around the block on my lunch hour, or before I got into my car to drive home.

Some tips for getting started:

Decide on a route, or safe location.

Decide on a meditation, music play list or just listening to the sounds around you.

Decide on a time limit, what works best in your day?

Decide on a schedule of how often to practice, and for how long you commit to it before you decide it’s not for you.

Decide on comfortable walking shoes and clothes.

Recognize this does not need to be perfect, and it does not need to look the same as everyone else.

Meditation can feel strange at first, but the more you practice it, the easier it gets. You also do not need to be locked into sitting still or staying in one location. Meditation and mindfulness are about being in this moment and not thinking ahead to the next or the next. As busy parents, juggling so many things at once, our brains can use the break. And for me meditation helps to switch off that constant loop of stress.

What do you think? Would you give walking mediation a try?

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Dear Cyberbullies, We Don’t Owe You Anything

Ever comment on a post on social media, only to be completely attacked by strangers?

That was me last week. I replied to some original content on another bloggers Facebook post, in agreement. I didn’t tag anyone, call anyone out by name, tell anyone they were stupid. I just simply responded to the person making the post and said I agree.

I am not naïve, I know people of the Internet can be jerks for no reason, but it was still a shock to me to be on the receiving end of it. I have cultivated a small following of like-minded parents to purposefully weed out those jerks. I actively scroll by the stuff I don’t agree with and avoid commenting directly to people I do not know. But it still did not stop three strangers from coming out with pitchforks to demand I change my mind because they felt triggered. When I refused to engage, they started a side conversation determined to uncover “what was wrong” with me. In the end, I just couldn’t stop laughing. What healthy adult has the time to create a little cyberbully club? And what does that teach our children about how to engage online?

For the record, I wasn’t hurt by this. I was just shocked because it happens so rarely to me. I try to maintain a judgement free zone in my corner of the Internet, and I especially do not tolerate name calling and ignorant assumptions about someone else’s life. It pays to know the entire story before forming an opinion, and there is nothing wrong with a healthy, mature debate. But when you get into tearing people down, just to feel powerful, or good about yourself, that’s where my tolerance ends.

This kind of behavior was routine in online mom groups ten years ago, when I first became a mom. I couldn’t use the words “breast feeding” or “antibiotics” without an angry squad of moms firing their opinions at me like bullet spray. I remember feeling bewildered by their words piercing through the other side of the screen. The more I tried to have a rational conversation, or defend myself, the harder they came back at me that their opinion was the ONLY correct way to parent my children. How have we not evolved in a decade?

I felt alone and unsafe in those groups for a long time.

That’s why I started blogging in the first place. To give parents space to learn and grow through every messy age and stage of parenting. We all need room to develop our instinctual connection with our kids and we can’t do that if we are busy defending ourselves, or worse, trying to do all the things that work for other people.

So, when these strangers came at me last week, I felt bewildered again. But this time I wasn’t angry, or hurt because I recognize it is coming from a place of their own insecurity. The only way they can feel power in their own lives is to make someone else feel less powerful in theirs. That’s on them. I don’t owe them answers or help carrying their baggage. This was a jolting reminder of what a dark place the Internet can be, especially for moms who are new here and just looking for support.

The Whatever Mom Circle offers a safe, supportive place for moms looking to connect and relate.

To the new mom feeling like she is being judged by other parents, or her parenting doesn’t fit in with other people’s opinions, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too. I was there for a couple of years. When I learned to ignore the people lashing out and tearing me down to feel superior, I found there are plenty of other moms (and dads) who want to connect and be supportive. I also learned that we all do whatever works for our own families because strangers on the Internet aren’t responsible for raising our kids, we are. They aren’t losing sleep over their repulsive behavior, and we shouldn’t either.

To the moms (and dads) in the groups who are “just saying,” try not saying it. Think about your words before you let them escape your fingertips and you push send. Ask yourself if it is helpful to the person commenting, or if it is something you’d want to hear if this were your situation. Are you leaving room for a conversation, or just responding to “own” someone? (If the second is true, find a new hobby). You don’t owe those commenters anything, but they also don’t owe you by changing the way they live their lives based on your personal opinions.

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Why Modern Moms Need a Life Coach

What I discovered when I met with a life coach for motherhood.

I want to introduce you to my new friend, Emily Heyer. She is a certified life coach focusing on motherhood and mental health. Not only is she living la Vida Loca with a two-year-old, but she is also learning to connect with her own personal joy and joy in motherhood. Yes, those can be two separate things that happen simultaneously.

One of the biggest misconceptions about motherhood is that we must give up our own hobbies, passions, or interests or even careers to focus solely on the needs of our families. We convince ourselves that all the busyness of taking care of our kids and our spouses is just the sacrifice we make to be moms. Sacrifice has become synonymous with motherhood, and it often comes with a cost to our mental health.  

Sacrificing my own interests made me feel like there was a big missing piece to my life. I was disconnected from myself and the things that bring me joy because I had waited too long to nurture them.   

It’s no wonder moms can feel so stressed out. When we sacrifice our own happiness too often, what is there to get excited about? There is not a lot of joy in swapping weekends at 4-star hotels for dirty diapers and cleaning up crumbs a million times a day with no breaks.

Wanting joy for ourselves, does not mean we take away joy from our families and it is not selfish. We are allowed to nourish ourselves with the same intensity and love we do our families. So, why is it so frowned upon?

Well, that’s exactly what Emily and I chatted about during our one-hour consultation. I was curious about the mom coaching she offers. We talked about how society defines our roles, how other moms can expect us to stay confined to those roles and the overall effect that has on our mental health.

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Then, she asked my one simple question, “if you had a magic wand, what is one thing you’d change about your life right now?”

My answer was that I want to return to work outside of the house again, but my fear is that I don’t know where I’d fit in. I have been out of the traditional 9-5 workforce for a decade, and I may be too old or irrelevant for some jobs. I had two successful careers before motherhood but going back to them I’d be at the bottom of the ladder again.

Emily helped me unravel that thought process and determine how I am relevant right now. We discussed how the pandemic has changed the way people work and connect and that I am already well versed on how to work from home. Can I just tell you that shifting that perspective made me realize I still have valuable skills? I have been a SAHM and WAHM for nearly ten years. I may have lost touch with some traditional 9-5 aspects of my previous two careers in an office because I am not doing them every day, but I have picked up an entirely new skillset that not only makes me relevant but opens new opportunities.

Emily and I also discussed ways I connect with my own joy, what makes me happy and how I can participate in those things this week, not some day when my kids are grown and flown.

For one full hour, I was able to talk about myself with another mom who listened. I shared my stress with someone who could relate firsthand. And when we were done, I had small, actionable steps to take with me toward my personal fulfillment. I felt heard and validated, which as moms we don’t get to feel nearly enough. I felt empowered to re-align with my own interests again and to feel less guilty for wanting those things for myself. It was well worth it to meet with a life coach at this point in my motherhood journey. I really wish I had taken this opportunity sooner, especially in those early years when I tried hard to make everything perfect. Reconnecting to my personal joy makes me a healthier mom and a good role model for my kids. They deserve to see how to make themselves a priority too without the stigma of it being selfish.

You can meet Emily yourself in this short video, “3 Things Every Mom Needs to Know.”

Meal Plan Monday – Guacamole!

Post contains affiliate links. I make a small commission without extra cost to consumers. This post is not sponsored, all opinions are my own.

Who doesn’t love a good guacamole dip for their chips or topping for taco Tuesday (or any day of the week)? It’s like a celebration every week when the fresh guac comes out! It is so easy to make at home and takes very little time.

I make “guac” every Tuesday because I love it, and because I have one picky eater that loves it too. That makes me picky about what I put in our guacamole.

I have tried dozens of guacamole seasoning blends, and never landed on just the right one. Until now. A friend of mine dropped off a bottle of Seasoned Delicious guacamole dip mix as a gift. (Even my friends know how much I love the good guac!). This mix is now my new taco Tuesday must have! It’s gluten free and vegan and sourced locally (to me!). Two of us in my household are gluten and dairy free, so I can serve this every week without worry.

The Seasoned Delicious company specializes in Jamaican/Soul Food fusion and uses traditional African cooking methods of slow cooking over a fire in their downtown Kingston, NY cafe.  This minority owned female run business is invested in the community by standing as a role model for Black and Brown youth who come into the café. Representation matters and they want young kids to see the dream of owning their own business as a reality. They give back to the creative arts in the area and host a Caribbean festival bringing in new culture and flavors to their community. You can learn more about the heart and soul of the business here. I am in love with their mission and happy to support a business that is putting good out into the world.

As soon as I tried this seasoning mix, I knew I loved it. But when my picky eater gave me two thumbs up, I knew this is a keeper! We love this spice blend so much; I contacted the owner Tamika to chat. We immediately connected as moms and she shared that as a nurse and registered dietician, and as a mother to children with diet sensitivities, she has witnessed how changing the diet can help people feel better. Her passion for whole food nutrition without sacrificing good flavor is a driving force behind re-creating traditional recipes with gluten free and vegan ingredients. Tamika is a busy mom (just like me), running a business, and still makes it a priority to shine love out into her community by putting thought and care into her products, her branding, and her community connections. And I am so glad to be a part of her community.  I always tell my kids that the secret ingredient to my cooking is love, and the foundation of Seasoned Delicious is bringing people together with love. Now, I can 100% guarantee love is the main ingredient in my guacamole!

I told Tamika how much I love this seasoning mix and that I plan to share my personal guacamole recipe with all my readers. She was thrilled! I don’t know if it’s as good as what Tamika makes, but I do put a lot of love into it!

Ingredients:

2 ripe avocados (click here to learn when avocados are ripe)

4 TBSP Seasoned Delicious Guacamole seasoning

1 lime

½ tsp red chili flakes if you want extra heat.

Salt and pepper to taste

Begin by cutting your avocados in half (click here to learn how to safely cut an avocado).

Remove the pit and flesh from the skin. Discard the pit and begin smashing the avocado with a fork on top of a cutting board. Traditionally, this is done with a mortar and pestle, but I do not own one. Though I really should with the amount of guacamole I make.

Squeeze half of the lime over the smashed avocado, then sprinkle on the seasoning mix. Mix everything together by folding the edges of the avocado pile into the center or stir it all together in a bowl. I like quick and easy and less dishes to clean, so I just mix it right on the board. You can garnish with cilantro if you’d like, but no one in my house likes cilantro, so we skip it.

That’s it! You can add salt and pepper to taste and a little red pepper flakes if you want extra heat, but honestly, the seasoning mix is perfect as is. I slice the remaining half of the lime into wedges to use with our tacos.

I put the bowl in the middle of the table, pour out the chips and everyone digs in.

Is guacamole part of your taco Tuesday? Tell me in the comments below how you make it!

Shop Here for Seasoned Delicious online store.

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Intergenerational Trauma and Healing Our Families

As COVID restrictions are lifting, you may be having mixed feelings about getting together with family members again.  For some people, these past 18 months have been a respite from toxic relationships. COVID and mandated social distancing has provided a great excuse to keep distant from family members and provided us with an opportunity to self reflect on those relationships.  Now, we have an opportunity to redraw boundaries and make changes that create empowering environments for ourselves and our children.

Within the past 30 years, studies have established that we inherit much more than eye color from our ancestors.  We also inherit many neurological and emotional characteristics, such as temper, anxieties, and parenting styles.  Intergenerational trauma is passed down as we grow up, rather than when we are born.  We take on characteristics from our caretakers, internalize them as our internal dialogue, and then bestow the same inheritance upon our own children.  When these habits and traits are harmful physically and emotionally, this is intergenerational trauma or inherited trauma, (IT). As our society learns more about IT, adults today are becoming much more aware of their own emotional well-being and the potential toxicity of their familial relationships.  Turning the huge ship of IT around requires a rewrite of your inner dialogue. If you’re a parent, it requires a reflection on your parenting techniques. If your discipline and parenting techniques with your children are the same that you experienced growing up, you are likely continuing the pattern of trauma, whether you realize it or not.  To help you through the process of healing from this trauma and changing your learned habits, mental health professionals are readily available through a variety of platforms, apps, zoom calls, or traditional in-person meetings.  

I inherited generations of trauma from both sides of my family.  As a new mom, I decided 5 years ago that this inheritance of toxic relationships ends with me.  I’ve taken parenting classes, read books, listen often to parenting podcasts, see a therapist regularly, and work hard every day to change my inner dialogue.  I grew up with fear based parenting; spanking, intimidation, plans cancelled as punishment, beloved items taken away, and a general lack of privacy and trust.  When the parenting skills that I inherited ‘pop’ out of my mouth, and I see the looks of fear on my kids, I know I’m going back to old traumatic habits. I remind myself that I’ve got this, seek support from my husband and friends, and review positive parenting resources for skills I may have forgotten.  My husband and I are on the same page and check-in regularly with plans and boundaries.  When one of us gets triggered, the other will take over the situation without shame or guilt.  

Fear based parenting was a popular form of discipline for previous generations of my family, and is still well practiced in today’s society.  Studies have shown fear based parenting practices to be damaging to children. It also creates a parent/child relationship that is very difficult to adjust when children become adults due to its authoritarian characteristics.  Parenting styles are deeply ingrained in our inner dialogue and are difficult skills to change.  Popular alternative parenting styles such as Conscious Discipline and Positive Parenting, all address these challenges in their books and training.  There are many parenting coaches in the Hudson Valley to help your family through this change as well.

As we return to social situations, it is important to remember the following responsibilities to our self and our children:

  1. Our Time and Energy is Valuable: We do not have to spend time with anyone we don’t want to, and nor do our children.  Don’t stress about the length of life a toxic relative has. Make your time the priority.  Life can be short no matter what age you are. 
  2. Giving hugs is always a choice: You own your body and have a choice who your body comes into contact with. Teach your children positive body image and give them the choices to hug or to just wave.   Listen to their words and watch their body language (even as babies); honor their choice to be touched or not.
  3. Only those who empower you have the privilege of your time:  Being a blood relative does not give anyone the authority to belittle, mock, tease, abuse, harass, or harm you.  In fact, no other human being has that authority, and blood relatives don’t get special privileges either.
  4. Set Boundaries:  It is your responsibility to communicate to others what you are and are not comfortable with.  Others can’t read your mind.  If a boundary is crossed, you need to remind and reinforce.   As a parent, the responsibility to set boundaries and reinforce them is even more important.  For young children, you are their only way of learning how to set and have those boundaries respected.  

These changes may seem like a lot of work, but it is absolutely worth it.  Living a life with clear communication, boundaries, and empowering relationships will help you blossom into your true self.  Bestowing this new inheritance on your kids will give them the tools they need for healthy relationships in all facets of their life.  You have the power to heal generations of trauma and stop the cycle with your family.  

Get help locating a therapist in your area by searching Psychology Today

Going Gray is the New Female Empowerment Movement

One of the things I preach around here is to embrace the real. The messy parts, the not so perfect parts and sometimes even the uncomfortable parts. So, I am about to confess something of my own that is real, and uncomfortable, with all of you. I am coming out as gray.

I have been hiding my true colors for years because I was just too self-conscious to expose my gray hair. I started losing my natural dark shade shortly after my twins were born. I was considered a “geriatric” mom in my mid-thirties and the gray settled in quickly after having twins. I started coloring my hair immediately because I was not yet ready to let go of feeling like I was in my 20s. So, I kept covering it up. I spent hours at the salon and made a mad dash to the drug store between colorings just to keep my grays under wraps. It was a stealthy covert operation that cost me thousands of dollars over the last ten years. Before I went to any big event, a reunion, a wedding, or a vacation, I scheduled myself to sit in a salon chair for nearly 3 hours to temporarily delete this obvious sign of aging.

Last year, when the COVID pandemic hit and shut down every salon in the world, I panicked. My appointment was only days away and my roots were already on display. I felt anxious the shut down was going to create some noticeably awkward hair growth, or what I refer to as “the skunk stripe.” As I scrolled for daily updates on when I could safely return to the salon, I noticed that nearly everyone on my friends list was confessing to missing their colorist too. Bloggers around the globe were suddenly showing up in videos and IG reels with silver streaks. As the weeks rolled into months, I found I wasn’t the only one awkwardly trying to cover my part.

Just as I was contemplating between coloring again or embracing this touch of gray, my colorist (or hair therapist as I call her) dropped off a professional grade color kit for me to use at home. I immediately rushed to color my hair and as I saw myself frantically brushing hair dye against my head, I thought this just doesn’t feel right anymore. I began wondering if I could pull off silver fox status. But…will I look…old? I decided the worst-case scenario is I hate it and I go back to dying it. And the best case scenario I love it and keep going. A year later, I am still dye free and learning to love it. But let me tell you, it’s still not easy. I am about two good hair cuts away from being fully gray.

I haven’t made a public post about it before now because I am still getting used to seeing myself with salt and pepper strands peeking through. It’s now very obvious and easily recognizable in my photos. Now is the time to admit it to myself and to those whom I haven’t seen face to face in the last year. It’s time to share it with my followers because my headshots are clearly not the same. Will anyone recognize me?

woman with gray hair
Me in my natural state of gray hair and no make up.

The longer my gray roots grow, the taller I grow in my own confidence. It turns out I’m not alone there either! I made a cryptic post on my personal social media page about contemplating life as a silver fox and a childhood friend sent a text message that she was inspired to do the same. Now we encourage each other by sending snapshots of our changing hair. Another friend from high school recently posted that she was going to give up coloring her hair to be more authentic too. Suddenly, I am in very good company and feeling bolder about this choice.

I am finding inspiration from women all over Instagram embracing their gray hair. There are a lot of us feeling powerful walking through life with silvery tendrils, and as one woman pointed out, “It takes a lot of confidence to walk around daily with two-toned hair.” Isn’t it funny, that people can have rainbow hair, two different shades of purple, or bleached or fading colors and no one second guesses that persons value and relevance. But women with gray hair are told they look “too old” or look like they “let themselves go.”

And oddly enough, I am finding inspiration from men with gray hair. When men age they are referred to as “distinguished” which implies dignity and respect. But when women age they are referred to as “washed up.” I noticed male lead actors that dominated the TV screen in my childhood are still on TV and fully gray. They’ve grown up, just like I have. Yet, no one is accusing them of having let themselves go. In fact, they are given the commanding roles with younger looking wives or partners. Honestly, if men can walk around with new found confidence with fully gray hair, then I can feel just as empowered to do the same.

So, here I am.

On my way to a braver, grayer self.

Have you embraced your new, natural color since the pandemic? Does gray hair make you feel bolder? Wiser? More empowered? I’d love to read about it in the comments below.

To the Moms Living with Depression at Christmas

To the moms living with depression at Christmas, I see you. Maybe you’re grieving right now. Maybe you just aren’t feeling like yourself this year, or maybe you’ve had depression for as long as you can remember. Either way, I see you. I know what it feels like to grieve and feel depressed through the Christmas season.

I’ve had many, many horrible loses right around Christmas. We discovered my niece had cancer right around Christmas. I had one last Christmas with my dad two months before he died. I lost our first child just before Christmas. There was the year my brother-in-law was stationed in Iraq, and years later, I spent two consecutive Christmases decorating a hospital room and holding hands with my nephew praying through his mysterious illness that he was going to be OK. (Thankfully, he was).

Too often we believe we can’t feel anything other than joy and happiness through the Christmas season. As if our only job is to exude happiness through our fingertips and make magic for those around us. If you are a mom, you are the keeper of the magic and everyone looks to you for the fun, the joy, the perfect hot coca after the snow, the fresh new jammies on Christmas morning. Without those things it wouldn’t feel like Christmas to them. But to you, it all feels like work and exhaustion.

Full disclosure: I am not clinically depressed, but I have lived with depression during the holidays and I feel like I can closely relate. The year I lost our baby, was the absolute worst. I stuffed that depression down so deep that when it finally hit, I couldn’t get out of bed. I went to work in a fog and came home to get into my bed and stayed there all night. Life was a hazy blur as I raced through the motions so the day would just be over. One night my husband returned home from work to find me in my pajamas cooking dinner and asked, “are you finally getting out of bed now?” and I was so angry, I threw a raw chicken at him. That’s when I knew it was time to face the grief I felt and maybe learn to express it in more productive ways. (For the record, we laugh at that night now, 13 years later).

The brain fog and mental fatigue alone make it hard to really connect to anything else around you, including the sparkly lights and the kid’s enjoyment while baking cookies together. It all feels like too much and not enough all at the same time. And then we pile on the guilt for not enjoying it and not giving enough to our kids. (Believe me, you are enough).

There is so much pressure to make things perfect the entire month of December. But I want to normalize that it’s OK to have other feelings that aren’t festive or Merry. It is possible to feel pain in your heart and carry sadness around with you. It’s also OK to talk about those feelings. People will seem dismissive with their trite, “look on the bright side” “well at least you have other kids” or “it’s Christmas, everything is happy at Christmas.” Those are the words of someone who doesn’t know how to help. They may be afraid of your pain. They may be afraid of saying the wrong thing. Or they may be clueless what it feels like to be missing pieces of themselves. Running into those phrases can make someone with depression want to retreat and never mention it again, or feel ashamed of not being as happy as everyone else. But talking about it with someone who can relate, or has felt grief, is the best way to get through this. We can feel like talking about our sadness will make other people sad, but it won’t. Holding it in and denying that it exists makes it harder for other feelings to get in, including joy and happiness.

I see how hard you are working to keep it all bottled up inside like nothing is wrong, but believe me, you need to find your safe space before you find yourself hurling poultry during an out of body experience. Talking about your pain, your sadness, and the loved ones you miss should be completely acceptable even at Christmas.

This year the pandemic restrictions that keep us from being with people and parties that make us feel less alone, also makes it harder to reach out or use our regular coping mechanisms. It is elevating the level of pain we can normally feel in control of. I too am feeling the grief more deeply than in the past.

The other day, I was simply preparing our tree for decorating and listening to Christmas carols. I love caroling. In fact, for several years my friend coordinated a caroling event at a local nursing home and I looked forward to that tradition every year. As I was belting out “The First Noelle,” I suddenly burst in to tears when I realized that tradition is gone and so is my friend. She died almost two years ago. All I could remember was the last Christmas we caroled together. And as I began grieving for her, it opened the flood gates for all the grief I normally feel at Christmas, but keep myself too busy to feel. Crying did feel better. But talking to a friend who understands grief and heartache made it easier for me to process and make room for feelings of gratitude. Just knowing I wasn’t alone in feeling this way and hearing kind words, “I know how you feel” “I know this is so hard” “I am sending you hugs” felt like band aids to my broken heart. My friend’s compassion and understanding were the healing salve I needed to carry on. My grief will continue no matter what, but knowing I could express it without judgement makes it easier to cope with it.

I don’t need to be you or have suffered the same exact losses to know that grief any time of year is hard, but during the holidays when everyone else is stacking their happiness in colorful packages, depression can feel out of place. And I also know that grief and sadness, depression and loss can co-exist alongside feelings of joy. I hope you will reach out to those around you who can share in this with you. If you don’t have that kind of support in your home, I hope you can find it in a support group or a therapist’s office. More than anything, I hope you know you’re allowed to have more than one feeling during the holidays.

Roxanne Ferber is a twin mom, writer and owner of The Whatever Mom blog. You can find more of her messy motherhood stories on Facebook.

My Winter Wellness Guide

Happy Light | Nature’s Bounty Vitamin D3 | Nordic Naturals Omega 3 Fish Oil | Sketchers Ultra Groove Sneakers | Lady Bird Deluxe 2021 Planner | Stash Organic Tea

It is no secret that I need the sun to feel my healthy best. Living in the North East where we have dark, cloudy winters, getting enough sunshine is a challenge for me.

I have never been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), but I can tell you my mood changes through the winter. I am less patient, I feel more stressed and less motivated. Over the years I have developed a winter wellness routine that helps me get through the dark days of winter.

I use the Happy Light from Verilux – this little light creates the same feeling of being in the sun. I use it in the mornings during my treadmill walks. During the winter, the morning is too dark and cold for me to walk outside, so I bring the outside in. I set my light up near my treadmill and walk for 30 minutes.

I take my supplements. I normally run deficient in vitamin D3 (known as the sunshine vitamin) and have for many, many years. I supplement all year, but in the winter I change the dose according to my doctors recommendation. Omega 3 fish oil also help increase a positive mood. Always check with your own doctor if these supplements are safe for you to take.

I get outside when I can. If the sun is out, I am out too. I grab my Sketchers and head out the door for a quick walk around the block. I turn on the tunes and soak in the light and get those endorphins pumping.

I ditch my late night to-do list. I am a natural born night owl and often stay up way to late to get things done. But that always leaves me with a grumpy attitude and a hangover effect. You know when your head is too foggy and you just want to crawl back to bed? I make myself go to bed at the same time as my kids (around 9:30 or 10). I read a little, or write out my to-do list in my planner for the next day instead of trying to get it all done right now.

I drink tea – a lot of tea. I’m not giving up coffee any time soon, but I love a good cup of hot tea in the middle of a cold day. I try to be mindful of stopping what I am doing and grabbing some tea while I phone a friend, or call home to chat with my mom. It’s like a little happy hour routine in my day that keeps me connected.

I take time to center my thoughts. I am a mom, writer, homeowner, wife and dog mom. I have a lot of things to do in a day and my brain often feels like someone dumped a big old box of ping pong balls and they are all bouncing out of control. I take 5-10 minutes each morning to meditate, or simply stand at my open back door and listen to the birds and take three deep breaths.

I may not get to do these things all in one day, but I strive to work them into my daily routine. Each little action creates a bigger impact on my mood and how I am feeling as a mom.

Do you have a winter wellness routine? I’d love to hear more about how you make time to take care of yourself.

Roxanne Ferber is a twin mom, writer and owner of The Whatever Mom blog. She spends most of her time learning to let go of perfection and sharing her messier parent moments with other moms. You can follow her Facebook page to see the messiness unfold.

Join Me for a virtual International Family Summit

Post contains affiliate links. I make a small commission for purchases at no cost to you.

I am excited to share that my friend Dr. Orlena has invited me to be a guest speaker in her Fit and Fabulous Family International Summit! It’s a virtual 3 day summit just for parents!

Dr Orlena has invited 17 amazing speakers, all of whom are parents, so they know your struggles! Each of the speakers will talk about a different aspect of health and wellness. For example, I’m talking about how to create easy selfcare routines for overall wellness.

Dr Orlena’s Fit and Fabulous philosophy focuses on 4 pillars of healthy living.

1. What we eat.

2. Exercise

3. Sleep 

4. Emotional wellness (how we reduce stress and create a loving atmosphere in our homes.)

Because we are all busy parents, just like you, each video is 15 minutes or less to maximize your time, and covers different aspects of all 4 pillars.

Why Attend?

Do you worry about your family’s health and wellness?

Do you want a long healthy life for you and your kids, but life seems to get in the way of your goals?

The goal of this summit is to show you how to create healthy living habits, so you and your family can feel fit and fabulous! We’ll show you how to make it easy and fun!

The event is entirely FREE for 3 whole days from Friday December 4th to Sunday Dec 6th.

You can find out more here.

Life Time Ticket Option

If you’d like to have lasting access to the videos, Dr. Orlena has created a lifetime ticket, so you can watch the videos whenever you want. This makes it so much easier for busy moms!

The lifetime ticket also includes other fabulous products that have been donated by contributors.

Until Tuesday 8th Dec the lifetime ticket will be just $47.

On Tuesday 8th Dec the lifetime ticket goes up to $97.

Want to win some prizes?

Simply click to share this link on your Facebook page and tag Dr. Orlena to enter.

See you at the summit!

Roxanne Ferber is a twin mom, writer and owner of this blogspace. She spends a lot of time trying to find balance and teaching other moms that it is OK to embrace the messier parts of parenting! Follow her on Facebook for her less than perfect posts.

Why I Like to Spend Time Alone

I took a walk all by myself today, literally over the river and through woods. It was glorious!

I rarely get time to myself, but this week my husband is on vacation. It means I am on vacation too.   I know, I know “but he works!” Well, so do I. I work from home as a freelance writer while making sandwiches and packing two kids for a day at the beach. He works only one job at a time, albeit stressful he isn’t managing meltdowns while trying to look professional to a client. We both deserve a break. But while he is working 70 hours a week, I am covering all the childcare needs while simultaneously running a business. I’m not kidding when I say, if I go down no one knows how to the food gets in the house or when the toilets get cleaned. It’s all courtesy of moi!

I walked 1.28 miles one way without pushing a stroller or with any kids hanging on me!

Today, I chose to visit one of my favorite walking trails because it is quiet and has such beautiful views of the Hudson River. I’ve only ever walked this trail with my kids, so it felt strange not pushing a stroller or pulling a heavy wagon full of screaming kids. I made pretty good time walking nearly three miles. I had my favorite music pushing me on and no one to talk too. The silence was golden.  

No answering questions about sea creatures.

No organizing lunches.

No packing up a swim bag.

No blowing up pool toys.

No slathering sunscreen and carrying an armful of towels to the pool.

It was a glorious start to my vacation!

This is the first break for myself I’ve had all summer. My kids and I have been tethered since their last day of school. It’s OK, I love them. But as a work from home/stay at home mom the daily tasks of motherhood can become the weekly grind. It’s almost cliché to call my job as a mom exhausting. Everyone knows how tired we are because we can’t stop telling everyone we are tired.

View from 212 feet in the air walking over a converted train bridge.

Taking a walk while you’re that kind of exhausted sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s exactly what I needed! To roam freely, unattached to a to-do list, or locked into mealtime demands. Listening to my own thoughts without interruptions helps me declutter things that are bugging me. Do I really need to hold on to that friend if she clearly let me go? How about cleaning out some of this guilt about letting my kids eat so many hot dogs? Being alone allows me to regroup a little and feel lighter. It’s like therapy.

Are you someone that likes to be alone in your head? Or do you enjoy escaping from the mom demands with friends? Leave me a comment below, or feel free to join the conversation on Facebook! ????

Roxanne Ferber is a freelance writer and owner of The Whatever Mom blog. Nearly nine years on the coffee wagon and she still doesn’t have enough energy to keep up with her twins. But she is a survivor and she’s gonna make it; even if she has to white knuckle it through each day until her kids graduate. Follow her on FacebookTwitter or Insta.

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